Surviving the Jungle of a Toxic Workplace
Over my years as a coach, more than once I’ve encountered a client who comes to me with a seemingly-intractable problem: they work in a toxic environment, with a toxic boss and toxic coworkers who are making their life miserable, and for whatever reason, they can’t leave.
One of the core tenets of my coaching practice, which comes from my training with Co-Active Training Institute, is that we are all “at choice.” Meaning, even if we think we are without choices, we never really are. My clients working in toxic organizations do have a choice: they can quit, with or without another job, and free themselves of the toxicity.
But sometimes – maybe most of the time – it’s not that simple. It’s news to no one that life is expensive, and the job market’s not great. People need health insurance. Etc. There’s been a lot in the news about “job hugging,” the buzzwordy way of describing people staying in their jobs because, well…(gestures vaguely at everything). For many people, now is definitively not the time to try to find another job, meaning they’re stuck with their toxic boss, or toxic workplace, for the foreseeable future.
There can be deeper reasons, also: it’s hard to walk away from a job you’ve put decades into because there’s been a regime change, and the new regime seems like something out of Game of Thrones. Some people have their identity wrapped up in their title, or their position of influence in their organization, or just what they get to tell people they do for a living at parties. And it can be hard to separate the emotional ties from the financial ones.
Over the years I’ve been coaching leaders on how to survive toxic environments, here are a few questions I talk through with people. If you’re trying to figure out whether to stay in a toxic situation or go, or you’re trying to figure out a path forward because you can’t leave, these questions may help.
1. How badly do you want or need what you’re staying for? If I told you right now “this is never going to get better, or be any different,” would that change how you feel about staying? If your spouse has cancer and you absolutely have to have health insurance, you probably need to tough it out. If you feel like you have to stay because you’re scared of job-hunting, or your friends are really impressed by your job title, or because any day now you’re gonna get promoted and that will take you away from your nightmare boss? You need to examine those motivations.
Be honest with yourself: what’s the worst possible outcome that will happen if you leave? How likely is that outcome – really? (For what it’s worth, I haven’t seen too many people with skills and a solid work history end up permanently unemployed.) Are you staying because you really don’t think you can get another job that pays as well, or are you staying because you have years into the job and you don’t want to walk away from those years (which is called “sunk-cost fallacy, btw) or because you don’t want to “let your enemies win” (which is a kind of toxicity of its own, tbh).
2. Are you really going to be able to live by The Rule of the Jungle? In truly toxic environments, the only rule that matters is the Rule of the Jungle, which is: eat, or be eaten. In toxic organizations, people are in survival mode, which means no one is really thinking long-term. Everyone’s just trying to stay alive for another day. If you’re the type of person who enjoys cultivating long-term relationships, being strategic, planning for the future, or achieving long-term goals, staying in a toxic environment may be incredibly frustrating for you just because there is no long-term plan in the jungle. Everyone’s too busy staying alive to care what’s going to happen next year - or next quarter, or even next month.
To survive, you’ll have to adapt your own thinking to: how do I create (and loudly demonstrate) quick wins, and only focus on quick wins? How do I shift my allegiances, alliances and energy on what may be a daily basis, so that I don’t end up on the wrong side of an issue? Even if you’re able to let toxic behavior and aggression roll off your back, are you able to work in an environment where long-term planning isn’t just impossible, it’s ill-advised?
3. Do you have the internal fortitude to last in an environment where you can really and truly trust no one – ever? In toxic environments (especially ones where the toxicity is encouraged by a leader with negative motivations), you will never be able to trust anyone with your not-so-positive opinions about what’s going on. Even if someone doesn’t intend to harm you, in toxic environments, information is currency, and remember the Law of the Jungle: eat or be eaten. Even someone who has been friendly to you, and seems to be on your side may be forced into a situation where they have to leverage information about you or become a target for abuse. As much as people tell me “it’s okay, I have friends outside of work; I don’t need confidants at my job,” the reality is that always having to watch your back and worry about what people may do with information they get from you (or about you) is exhausting.
Most of us want to have congenial relationships with the people we work with. That’s a normal, human thing to want. And staying at arm’s length from people (or worse yet, having to play Machiavellian games in all your relationships) is emotionally taxing. It will take an internal strategy and a lot of self-discipline to hold yourself back from engaging in normal human behavior, like making friends.
If you’re “job-hugging” in a toxic environment, understand that in order to survive, you will have to play by a completely different set of rules, and let go of some of your ideas about what work is supposed to be like. And it helps to have support when you’re navigating that type of environment. So if you need some, get in touch.